The More We Change…

by david on August 26, 2010

The More We Change…

After surviving Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia four years ago and just recently undergoing a stem cell transplant to try and eradicate Mantle Cell Lymphoma, I am still, much to my own amazement, complacently, satisfied with just being the same old me. I am bewildered by the fact I am still who I was and have no ambition to be another.

I could see not seeking change if I was a wonderful human being, filled with compassion and hell-bent on making a difference in the world, but me? Two chances at a new life and I remain the same old, annoying curmudgeon, depressed and negative with little desire for human contact. A family that is extraordinarily loving and supportive surrounds me. I exist in a community of learners who not only tolerate my cloudy pessimism, but support my right to be an active gadfly in their worthy efforts. Why not take these fortuitous circumstances and do something worthwhile with the life I have left?

Therein lies the rub. I cannot take my life by the horns and make it into what I might like it to be any more than you can. We are all presented with what look like extraordinary opportunities to take charge of our misbegotten lives and move in new positive, productive directions. If only it were so. Unfortunately it is not what we believe should be that will direct our futures, but rather we will be ushered along by our circuitous, circumstances.

It is quite possible, even likely the events of our immediate past, especially if they are significant, will hurl us in a new direction, but which direction is completely unpredictable. I knew a man, who faced with immanent self-destruction, threw off the shackles of his alcoholism only to enter a life that tore apart his family, alienated his friends and brought him to a lonely, isolated existence.

On the other hand, there are those who take their second chances and do great deeds. They dedicate themselves to worthy causes, they become selfless and are offered up as examples for all to emulate. They become the noble, the note worthy, and the shining, examples of the best of humanity. If this is who they truly are, why did their new status as amazing human beings occur only after a change in their life circumstances?

Change is not personal growth although it can appear to be if everyone likes the change. People who change are not new persons. They are the same person molded by new circumstances. It is the only hope of us losers, changing circumstances. Unfortunately we cannot, out of will, create the circumstances that will change us no matter how desperately we would like to change nor can we control the direction of any change that might occur. If we are not empowered to change our lives nor have the power to stop change what can we do?

I guess we will do what we have always done, continue to tell others and ourselves how desperately we want to change. We will tell the ones we love with complete and heart felt sincerity that ”this time we are finally going to change.” We should, I suppose, continue to believe we will one day lose our loser status and become winners because it is quite possible we will actually do so.

It would be really nice if we could stop letting others condemn us or worse condemning ourselves for not bringing about the changes we so desperately desire. But alas, such behavior is not in our repertoire, well at least not yet.

Previous post:

Next post: